Batman vs Squirrel Girl
by Pikazilla
Summary: Battle of the unbeatable lightweights the heaviest plot armors in history who is best at being complete bull?


These lightweights realistically should be dead 1000 times by now; but thanks to 'clever' writing, absurd skill, unrealistic intelligence, unfair weakness exploitation and basic bullshit: they have defeated gods with ease.

The Man of Bat and the Girl of Squirrel.

Note: Since this match is about plot-armor; BOTH combatants will be allowed some level of prep-time. Also Squirrel Girl is allowed to use her Squirrels but any other major allies are forbidden for both sides; so don't expect Batman to summon Superman; to throw Squirrel Girl into the sun and declare that a Batman victory.

==Duel==

Squirrel Girl: I'm here to fight you Mr. Rat-with-wings

Batman: Better to be a rat-with-wings instead of just a rat.

FIGHT

Batman throws his Baterangs, but Squirrel Girl counters by throwing squirrels: stopping the projectiles in mid-air.

Batman: (thinking) It's always the weird ones that surprise me the most. Her superhuman physique could give her an advantage in close combat; but I can easily get an aireal advantage if I glide off a rooftop.

Batman gets his grapple gun and zooms up the side of a nearby skyscrapper. However Squirrelgirl climbs the building; her Squirely-Speed catching up quickly. Yet Batman reaches the top first. Batman covers the rooftop with smokebombs. Batman tries to ambush her through the blinding smoke, but Squirely-Senses allow Squirrel Girl to locate Batman. Batman's martial arts are matched by Super-Squirely-Speed. Batman remembers his original plan and leaps off the building, gliding away. ...However Squirrel Girl can also glide!

Batman: How can you fly!? Squirrel Girl: You got a flying bat suit; I got a flying squirrel suit! Batman: ...Serously?

Batman summons the Batjet, which drops off it's payload: the Justice Buster. Batman lands into the cockpit while Squirrel Girl lands on the ground.

Batman: This is my most powerful weapon, the Justice Buster. Even the Justice League can't survive this much plot-armor. Squirrel Girl: Justice Buster? Better call in the Squirrel Buster!

Squirrel Girl pulls out her iphone (with a decorative case depicted with an acorn, of course) and presses the 'Deus ex machine' app; summoning the Squirrel-Buster. She jumps into the machine, which squeaks in dubstep. You know the Hulk-Buster? Yeah, imagine that but with Squirrel Paint. (It's canon in Lego Marvel).

Batman: ...This is almost as stupid as that mech-penguin Oswald had.

After a few exchanges of blows, the Justice Buster fires anti-friction spray to trip the Squirrel Buster. However Squirrel Girl summons a horde of Squirrels who push the mech off of the anti-friction puddle. The horde then swarm the Justice Buster, climbing onto the mech. However Batman shocks them with a taser located inside his armor. The squirrels fall off the mech; dazed and discouraged. Squirrel Girl notices the many cars located around the city. She orders her squirrels (using Super-Squirrely-Speak to command them) to bite off the tires of the cars; creating rubber armor for each individual squrrel. The squirrels horde the Justice Buster again, and the mech freezes up.

Squirrel Girl: My squirrels have collected thousands of the hardest walnuts in the woods and jammed them into your mech's joints. You can't move!

But before she begins her attack, Batman is still able to eject from the mech and uses his grapple gun to latch onto his jet. He enters the jet and retreats back to Wayne-Mannor.

Batman: Now that I'm safe, I can plan a counter-attack.

But to his surprise; Squirrel Girl found him, and has her Squirrel army with her.

Squirrel Girl: Ah ha! My squirrely sense has tracked you down to- Batman: Bullcrap, Superman can't track me down, how could you? Squirrel Girl: Well Superman can't talk to the squirrels that live in your back yard. Hey, can you talk to bats?

Batman pulls out a 'sonar batarang'

Batman: I know how to call them...

The batarang makes a screeching noise. The squirrels flinch at first, but they plug their ears up with acorns. However the noise also attracks a swarm of bats who pour out of the batcave. The two hordes of hairballs clash; with the corpses of bats and squirrels alike littering the ground. With the squirrels distracted, Batman then prepares for the finishing blow. Within the infinite hammerspace of the Bat-Utility-Belt, Batman pulls out his secret weapon.

Batman: Now to eliminate them with my SQUIRREL REPELANT! It contains a powerful knockout gas that only affects squirrels.

But while Batman is talking, Tippy-Toe The Squirrel steals Batman's Utility Belt along with the Repelant from Batman's hand and throws both at Squirrel Girl: who crushes the can with her boot and wears the belt around her waist.

Squirrel Girl: I have discovered your weakness Batman; your Bat-Armor isn't what protects you, your Utility Belt is your true armor: your PLOT ARMOR. Batman: How did that squirrel get by my bats?

Squirrel Girl pets the squirrel.

Squirrel Girl: If my pets could defeat Dr. Doom, then a few bats won't slow her down. Your bats are just random wild animals while my squirrels were trained by the greatest martial artists in the world; Daredevil, Captain America, Kingpin... Batman: Kingpin is a badguy! Squirrel Girl: I'm a Human-Squirrel; Don't question my logic. Batman: Whatever, I can just buy another belt!

(Squirrel Girl smiles)

Squirrel Girl: Check your vault.

(opens the vault)

Batman: MY MONEY! MY BATMOBILE COLLECTION! MY GIANT PENNY! It's been chewed up and covered in squirrel turds! Squirrel Girl: I sabatoged Wayne-Tech as well; so now you have no income either! I was lucky that Lucius was on vacation: squirrels hate foxes. Batman: Why did I not think of killing all the squirrels in the world? Squirrel Girl: Well you can't, do you know how many squirrels are named 'Martha'? Batman: Crap, now I can't kill you because you know someone named 'Martha'! The plot-armor has turned against me!

Squirrel Girl: There's more. You control bats because of your tech, but without money you can't maintain your tech. And you can't afford vehicles now that your money is gone. You have nothing now. So riddle-me-this; can a bat with clipped wings outrun a squirrel?

Then Batman gets eaten by a billion squirrels- the end.

==Conclusion==

Both of these characters are known for their plot armor; but Squirrel Girl is special. While Batman managed to overwelm gods, so has Squirrel Girl; and Squirrel Girl has done so with little effort. Infact: Squirrel Girl has at least 99% of the time never lost a battle while Batman has been overwelmed multiple times if you look closely at his fighting record. And while Batman has occasionally defeated Superman; there are plenty of times when Superman has tied or defeated Batman as well. Remember that much weaker characters like Bane and Joker have managed to defeat Batman in combat too. Plot armor is a tricky thing to analyse because it allows any character to win any match; but Squirrel Girl's Plot Armor makes her completely invincible relative to Batman's; which isn't as guarenteed.

Winner: Squirrelgirl.

==Alternate ending==

(Basically this is a joke, even more so than the match itself. Don't take it seriously, I'm just pointing out the most truly BS character: Doomsday)

Squirrel Girl: I have the one thing you can't defeat: Doomsday!

Doomsday: KILL KILL KILL DIE DIE DIE DOOM DOOM DOOM!

Batman: ...I already defeated Doomsday before, with kryptonite. I got plenty of kryptonite.

Squirrel Girl: Yeah but since you defeated him with that, he's immune to it now.

Batman: ...I got... uh... Doomsday-repelant?

Squirrel Girl: He'll just become immune to that too.

Batman: ...Phantom Zone?

Squirrel Girl: He can punch out of it.

Batman: ...fuck me. Well whatever, Doomsday will just kill you too.

Squirrel Girl: Nope, (pats his head) we are good friends.

Batman: Friends? HOW!?

Squirrel Girl: turns out whenever Doomy had a tantrum, all he really needed was a hug (squee)

Batman: I never get hugs...

Squirrel Girl: Okay, Doomsday hug him!

(CRUSH)

Squirrel Girl: OH! Too much hug!

Doomsday: I FUCKIN' HATE MY DAD!


End file.
